Blank

It's been a while I didn't spend my time with blogging. Too much stories to tell but I choose to keep it rather than telling. So, I've completed my foundation study. Currently waiting for my result and.....Degree offer While typing this.... I'm listening to How Deep Is Your Love by Calvin Harris ft Disciple. I'm thinking about what I'm going to type for this post... And my heart still broken due to my malfunction spect which has been stepped by my roomate during my last day in Dengkil. . Dismayed and sad..
That's all. Goodnight

Goodbye

Assalamualaikum, ... Wan Haziq Aiman, 

Pernah kau tahu apa yg terbuku di hati aku selama hampir 19 tahun membesar bersama kau? Kau tak pernah tahu melainkan apa yang aku ceritakan pada kau. Kau tak pernah tahu kerana aku merahsiakan perkara ini dari pengetahuan kau..

5 February 2016, 0943: Kau pergi meninggalkan aku, keluarga dan sahabat-sahabat kau di dunia. Kau pergi dalam keadaan mulia, dalam keadaan yang tenang. Alhamdulillah, semuanya selamat. Tahniah kerana cita-cita kau untuk pergi pada hari Jumaat itu tercapai. 

Haziq, pernah kau tahu betapa terasa kehilangannya aku tanpa kau di sisi aku? Aku menangis siang, petang dan malam. Bukan kerana tidak meredhai pemergian kau tetapi kerana sebak kerana ketiadaan aku di sisi kau sewaktu kau menghembuskan nafas yg terakhir. Aku terkilan, aku jatuh dan rebah. Aku tidak sekuat sebelum ini. Aku tidak kuat kerana ketiadaan kau di sisi aku seperti sebelum-sebelum ini. Sepanjang hampir 19 tahun, walaupun kita jarang berjumpa, namun kita selalu berhubung. Kau selalu tahu apa yg berada di fikiran aku tanpa aku duga yg kau tahu, seolah-olah kau dapat membaca isi hati aku. Ketika aku sedih,menangis, kau ada di sana untuk aku. Mencari jalan untuk hiburkan aku, selesaikan masalah bersama dan sentiasa menyokong aku. Ketika aku buat salah, kau nasihat. Namun aku degil, lalu kau marah. Ketika aku gembira, kau orang pertama yg aku ceritakan dan kau turut sama gembira.

Namun bila tibanya saat kau memerlukan sokongan dari aku, aku tidak tahu kau dalam keadaan tenat. Aku sedang tidur dengan lenanya dan bermimpikan kau sebelum kau pergi meninggalkan aku untuk selamanya. Setelah aku bangun tidur dan bersiap untuk ke kelas, Aku mendapat tahu berita pemergian kau dari keluarga-keluarga kita. Adakah kau tahu betapa lemahnya aku waktu tu? Malam sebelum kau pergi, aku terlalu bersuka ria menyambut ulang tahun kelahiran rakan sekampus aku. Tetapi langit tidak selalunya cerah, akan mendung jua bila awan dipenuhi dengan beban air. Orang tua-tua kata, jangan seronok sangat nanti berduka akhirnya. Aku tak pernah percaya dengan kata-kata sedemikian dan ternyata ianya benar.

Sepupuku, terlalu banyak kenangan kita bersama. Terlalu banyak memori indah bersama kau. Gambar-gambar kita, semuanya aku simpan di dalam sebuah pendrive. Namun, aku tidak sengaja tercicirkan di dewan kuliah. Bila aku tersedar akan kehilangannya dan berpatah balik ke dewan, aku tak jumpa. Puas aku mencari namun semuanya hilang. Satu pencil case hilang. Aku redha.  Masih aku teringat ketika kita luangkan masa bersama untuk ice skating di Sunway Pyramid, It was my first time skating on the ice. Kau pimpin aku sepanjang skate supaya aku tak jatuh. There's a time I slipped on the ice due to my attempt to skate without your help but then I fell. 
" Weyh lepaskan lah kejap. Aku nak try skate sendiri pulak." " No way." "Why not?" "Because it is your first time and you're still learning." "What the.... Kau dari tadi pimpin aku, enough with that. I don't like people seeing us holding hand eventhough using this thick glove. Let me go, dude."  " Alright. Kalau jatuh, I wont come to rescue and just sit there and laugh. Ok, you may go."

At first, aku berjaya skate sendiri. Without kau pimpin. Bila aku semakin pandai skate, aku tak guna teknik yg kau ajar. Kau dari jauh dah buat muka. Hahaha I still remember it, dude. Sebab dah handal sangat, seronok skate dan aku pun jatuh. Ouchh, basah seluar. Aku ingat kau tak datang tolong aku dan hanya ketawa di atas bench sana but, I was wrong. Kau mungkir janji kau tadi. You came and helped me to get up. 

"Sedap?" "Fine........I know it was my fault okay okay stop membahan." "Aku tak bahan. Aku tanya je hahaha. Ok, come.Nak main lagi or nak lunch?" "I'm tired. Kalau kau nak main dulu main la. Aku tunggu then go to lunch."

I still remember it, dude...I never thought that was my last time to meet you, to see your laugh, to see your smile. I cried a lot when I refresh all those memories. You broke your promise when you came and helped me to get up when I slipped on the ice and now you're breaking your promise again. You promised me to come and visit me during this CNY holiday due to my unwell condition, but you won't come. Indeed, I was the one who gone to visit you. 

During our lunch, you popped out with one question that I never thought....

"Shira, I would like to ask you something."

"Hahaha since when tanya dengan aku nak minta izin ni? Ok, what's that??"

"Do you love me?"

"Hahahaha why your question is so pelik ni ha? Sayang? Hmm... Let me think it first."

"10 seconds from now."

"No."

The truth is, I was lying at that time. I love you, Haziq. You know me well,dude. You know that I won't admit if I love somebody more than myself... Of course I love you as you're part of me, dude..You're my brother,my bestfriend, my boyfriend and my cousin. I'm at my weakest point and you aren't there to comfort me..... 
I was about to tell you that I dreamed of you at the night before you gone. Dreaming that I almost get marry to you. Oh,Man! I bet you must be having non-stop laughing condition when I tell you about this. I can imagine it. But I couldn't make it to tell you.....


Dear, Wan Haziq Aiman...
Note that my love and pray will always be with you.. Be happy there and wait for me, dear.... Al Fatihah.

Life is a journey. From Allah and to Allah.

2 in 1

25th December 2015 Sem 2 in the making and my time was occupied with my study.. Currently busy to improve my performance since my Sem 1 was kinda bullshit. Since the regret hits me at the point, I decided to give my focus totally in the class and spending my most time with the books..   So here, I'm entering my new phase of life where I could be so busy till I would be so excellent in making ignorance towards people around me. I cared so much about people till I didn't even care about myself where the priority should be put. But now, I twist it to the new phase so that I could be totally move on and create my new life.

                                                                     3rd January 2016 Oh, Allah ....! I beg for You if You would show me the way to find the sweetness in life as your servant. I hold my faith on You and will always do. I'm learning to accept the fact. I fight with my own feeling to deny the true things. I followed for what You've been asked me to do and I did it. But I'm still in dilemma for what I've done and it kills me inside when I see him. Oh, Allah ! I know there must be a reason lies behind all the things happened. I believe in You and please make me strong to go through this life until the end. Protect me from doing bad things to others,bad people and prolong broken heart in the future...

Waste

Senang cakap. Kenapa tak move on lagi? Senang cakap. Jangan tambah masalah. Mudah berkata tapi awak bukan kat tempat saya. Saya dah cuba rasional sebaik mungkin tapi ia masih hak saya untuk lakukan apa sahaja asalkan saya tak ganggu hidup awak.

Things

"Things will get better if you keep it positive."
And here are the things